I wanna be a BILLIONAIRE so freakin' bad...buy all of the things I never had

Depression is a state of mind...

Perhaps it's because of the food we eat, but depression actually affects the population more than imagined. But what is depression? It is a mental disturbance that is usually caused by stress and anxiety. The mind can cope with a lot of things but once it snaps...it snaps. Depression has a lot of different and varying symptoms and it affects each person differently. Furthermore, there are degrees to the severity of depression; ranging from mild clinical depression to maniac depression and bipolar disorder.

Why am I talking about depression? Well, there seems to be a history of depression in my family. Mind you, even a case of being over-stressed can be classified as mild depression. Both my parents seem to be overtly stressed out and under stimulated. Because they are older now and have not been working in a job for a very long time, they find that their time is greatly unoccupied and are therefore left to find means to keep busy.

It doesn't help matters that the economy of the family is at a RED LINE. With no one to financially support or at least help out with the expenses, both of them have trouble sleeping at night and are constantly kept awake thinking of how to sustain the family. This I believe has lead them to be over-taxed in mind and body.

My brother on the other hand has been diagnosed with clinical depression. The story goes like this...after my brother broke his arm on the eve of an important examination, he started feeling lethargic and lifeless. Added with the fact that there were things he desired but could not get at that point in time, he started feeling even more mopey than usual. Around the same time, my uncle passed away very suddenly; this left my brother with the fear of dying. We tried to calm him down and reason with him that there was nothing to fear. He confessed that he had trouble sleeping and could not seem to get enough rest and complained of a lack of appetite. Finally, his friend told him that he might be depressed and my brother decided to ask my mother to take him to see a psychiatrist.

The doctor confirmed what my brother suspected and gave his some advice. Slowly he recovered after just one session and has since not relapsed. He has also gotten some of his desires fulfilled and perhaps that is the key to his recovery, with the added help of his new found and strengthened faith.

I on the other hand, am a person who thinks a little too much into matters that are very much irrelevant. Many a times, I have been one to self-diagnose and self-medicate when things occur. However, this time, things have taken a very very bad turn and chances of fully recovery are very slim. Here's my story: I'm not made of a good sort. What I mean by this is that my character is very flawed and very selfish. I am willing to give my all for causes that do not benefit me.

So how did I develop depression? It's all because of my flawed character.

I am not an academic person. Let me clarify that I am not 'slow' nor 'mentally challenged', if I was, then whatever that had happened is at least justifiable. I am at most an average student who is well-spoken at times and well-written occasionally. So when I say that I am not an academic person, I mean that I am not a serious person. I love FUN too much to be worth a damn. I've already written about my extreme laziness and the downfall/ fall from grace it brought me and I don't feel like re-telling the story again. Suffice to say, I caused myself to be depressed.

Depression can be brought on by a lot of factors. It can be caused by some imbalance of hormones, the environment around us, it can even be self-induced. If, for example, you had to pass up an assignment but left it till the last minute, or had to meet a work deadline but could not complete it by then, you would feel stressed out and get very panicky. Usually, the feeling would pass once you find a solution to your problems.

With depression, you cannot see the solution even if it was right in front of your eyes. Depression does not strike a person over night, but rather is an accumulation of stress that stays within the person until it cannot be contained any longer. In my case, the long-history of bad decisions and irresponsibility on my part accumulated to the point that I lost focus of everything that was important to me. They say that what goes up, must come down. For me, it all came crashing down. In the course of two weeks, I lost everything; my faith, my future and myself.

That was my first and most severe bout of depression. I could not sleep, and when I finally did, I would wake up merely a few hours later feeling anxious and afraid. I could not eat. In the past, I ate very little because I had not enough money, but during that bout, even if I was hungry, I could not eat. All I could do was distract myself from thinking.

Subsequently, I recovered, not because of therapy or medication, but because of hope. It's funny how even the smallest glimmer of hope can lift a person...I had in the back of my mind a glimmer of hope that everything was not as bad as it seemed. True, it all came crashing down, but at least there was a hope of being able to repair the dreams that I broke. A chance to make it all better.

I used to believe that behind every storm, there would be a rainbow. However, I now believe that I was deluding myself. It seems that every time I recover, I fall again, only this time it's a vast hole that I've fallen into and I truly believe that I cannot get out of it. Every time I think that things will all get better, I fall even harder then before. I ask myself if it is worth me being around.

I am only a burden and a pain to my family. I cannot confide in friends when I have none. I am confused as to what to do and where to go. I have a wonderful family, but I am afraid of hurting them again. As I type this post, I am still feeling the effects of depression. It isn't as severe as the first time I went through it, but it still is crippling. However late I sleep, I would always wake up at a certain time in the morning. Food used to be pleasurable, now, whenever I eat I'm afraid of gaining weight. My mind is a mess and I always contemplate just running away from all this. But I cannot.

The bravest thing a person can do is to stand up and face their fears. I'm not a brave person. So I cannot stand up and face my fears. How does one forget their past? At this moment I cannot answer that question. I fear I never will...

Run, Run, Runaway...

REGRET, DISMAY, HOPELESSNESS, NEGATIVITY, DEPRESSION...

These are just a few words that sum up what I'm feeling inside right now. At this point in time, a chapter of my life has ended and will never ever be unwritten. LIFE is a book that cannot be edited. Mistakes cannot be erased, bad judgments cannot be changed, flaws and cracks in one's nature cannot be covered up. There is no auto-correct nor a spell-checker that can perfect one's life. There are only two things that can be done; to live or to die...

Nobody is perfect, that is a delusion that we tell ourselves whenever bad things happen or when we simply FAIL to achieve something. Religion tells us that nobody but GOD is PERFECT...and yet on the other hand, we are also told that in HIS eyes, we are perfect and whole...the truth to me is that we are delusional. The obsession with perfection has taken hold of our minds and we think nothing but achieving it; be it for FAME and FORTUNE.

The best examples are the over-achievers. Be it in athletics, professions or even studies, we must be the BEST of the BEST, the CREAM of the CROP...if you cannot get the BEST results in your studies then go on to obtain the position of CEO in your profession and finally possess all the RICHES in the world, you are a FAILURE and a NOBODY!!!

That's right people...I'm a FAILURE and a NOBODY...and the best part...I brought it all on myself. I will not bitch and moan about my cousins and how successful and smart and hardworking and SMUG they are...because it's just not worth the space. Let me just bore you with the tale of how I screwed myself over and caused misery and broke my parents hearts...because in the end we all love to watch others writhe and wallow in their own filth especially if it was self induced.

I was never a REBEL in my youth. If your definition of rebel is a person who had multiple ear piercings and shouted back at their parents and had temper tantrum sessions in their room after an argument with the parents, then, yes i was a rebel. But really, I was never a rebel in my teenage years. If anything I was too chickenshit to do anything rebellious. I never skipped school, never smoke or drank, never engaged in a sexual relations with anyone, Hell, the worst I did was sleep in class and forget to pass up my homework. I was your quintessential average student who listened to Mummy and Daddy albeit had arguments with them, and never got into any fights or engaged in illegal activities.

I realise now that back then I was a lazy kid who got through her exams and life with her wits and lots of burning the midnight oil...I never really studied or paid attention in class or even did my homework. I just relied on my common sense and somehow it worked out okay for me...

I'm sure some of you have seen movies where the 'HERO' is some scumbag loser who makes it okay in the end...what works in REEL LIFE never works in REAL LIFE...

So I grew up and went to college, even there I did what I had always done, used my wits and not put in any actual effort to scrape through and get my diploma. I was very lucky...maybe I had used up all my luck then because from then on things just went down down down till finally we reach the point where everything must end.

In college, I was surrounded with people that seemingly had everything. They partied hard and enjoyed life and still made it in the end. I wanted that. So I partied as hard as them and enjoyed life as much as them. What I did not know was that they had their priorities straight: party when the time comes and study when the time comes. I on the other hand just kept partying and partying and panic when exams come because I did not study at all.

I was a fool to think that I could ever be like them. To be able to enjoy life and still have good grades. My parents always told me to seek out the studious ones: people that were academics. The kind of students who went home and prepared for the next day's lessons. Those who took research to the next level by spending hours upon days just prepping and accumulating materials for the lessons. I classified them as NERDS and although I did try to befriend them and learn their skills and techniques, I slowly got bored and drifted to the COOLER crowds...the PARTY people. I hanged around with them and skipped classes with them thinking that at the end, we would all be at the same level. It was STUPID to think that. Everywhere I went, every change of college I did, I was always the LOSER in the end...the BIG FAT STUPID LOSER!!!


To top things off, I am HEADSTRONG and STUBBORN...qualities that would have done me good if applied to my studies. Instead, I chose the fun path. I played harder than anyone. I envied the life that many of my 'friends' were living and the possessions that they had. I wanted it all. So I unknowingly sacrificed my FUTURE for the fleeting moments of FUN that I had. I did everything that they did without knowing that I would be the one that lost out...I CHOSE to stick to my guns and attempt a degree in one of the HARDEST and DRIEST fields of profession. Why? Because I am EGOISTIC. I thought that I could get by with only my wits. But oh how wrong was I...

I will not mention the part about my REGRET because it makes for a long and painful read. This alone is long and painful enough. But I will say that I am like a moth to a flame when it comes to choosing LOSERS and people that are generally BAD for me as my friends...it seems like I have an inability to choose people that are GOOD and LOYAL and are the kind of people that my parents approve. I've always said that I am a loner and that applies very much to how I view the people around me. I do not and will not believe that friends will stay with you forever and so before they dump me, I always make sure to dump them first. The people that I am friends with are generally like me, LOSERS and FAILURES in life. I would like to say that birds of a feather flock together but really, that's just another excuse to delude myself into believing that nothing is my fault.

It is because of this inability of mine that I've fallen into this shithole I call MY LIFE...to put it simply, I wanted things MY WAY without having to work for them and in the END, I got nothing but dead moths and empty dreams. The thing that hurts the most is the time and money wasted in maintaining this STUPID FAILURE...all the money wasted on me could have served a better purpose rather than feeding into nothingness.

At this juncture, there really is nothing left to be said except to apologise to the people that cared for me. The people whose hearts I broke time and time again. The people that tried so very hard to love the unlovable me. While apologies do nothing to solve the matter nor do they even offer comfort to the ones I've hurt, it is things that must be said whether owed or not.

To my mother; whose love and concern is so visible and demonstrative. You wanted to protect me from any and all harm and because of that, you banned me from doing a lot of things, sins that I ended up committing not because I wanted to rebel against you, but because I wanted to know what was so wrong with those things. I befriended people you warned me against. I scarred my body in ways unimaginable to you. I went to places that you did not want me to go to. I acted in ways that are considered rude by society. I lied and cheated to prevent you from finding out the truth, which only delayed the inevitable.

I still maintain the stand that you do not understand me. And you never will fully understand me. It's only fair because even I don't understand myself. You tried so hard to have me and when you finally did, you wanted to do everything in order to keep me safe. Others will say that you are over-protective and smother us with your concern. I agree with them. Over the years we butt heads over your parenting style. You compare me with my cousins and the children of your friends and wonder what went wrong? Why am I such a FAILURE and why are they SUCCESSFUL? The problem dear mother lies not in you but in me. Looking back, I've always been a person who could never complete what she started and was always looking for the easy way out. You gave me a comfortable life and shielded me from pain and hurt, I grew complacent and LAZY instead of being appreciative and striving harder to make you proud.

For ALL this, I am sorry. I am sorry that I am your child. You really do deserve so much better than me. I am sorry for all the hurt that I caused you both as a child and even now as an adult. I am sorry that I could not make you proud. I am sorry that I am such an embarrassment to you. I am sorry for making you worry about me and causing you sleepless nights. There are so many things that I am sorry for that the list would be endless, but these are the things that I am most sorry for. Dearest Mum, I am sorry that all the LOVE that you poured into me was wasted and that you were given such a USELESS person to be your child.

To my father: you are quiet and undemonstrative. Others would call you cold and uncaring. But you showed me that you loved me in ways that cannot be measured. Different from most fathers, you never raised your hand on me, only your voice. You wanted me to be the best and for that you were willing to pay from your own pocket all the expenses I incurred. From my rental to my college fees, you paid it all so that I would not have to work to pay for myself. And still I wanted more. I do not know how to talk to you and so I rarely do. Whenever I did anything wrong, you keep quiet and keep it inside.

Because you did not want me to suffer the way you did, you gave me whatever I wanted. It came to the point that everyone thought that if they needed something from you, the best way to get it would be to tell me to ask you. Like most fathers and daughters, we don't know how to get along with each other once I grew out of childhood. You placed all your lost hopes and forgotten dreams in me, and while I wanted to make you proud, I had forgotten it along the way and got lost in all the FUN I had. You watched quietly as I fell deeper and deeper into the hole I dug, helpless because you did not know what to do to save me.

For you my father I am sorry. I am sorry that I turned out to be a lost cause. I am sorry for not being the ideal daughter to you. I am sorry that you had wasted so much money on me, money that could have saved the family and prevented our financial crisis. I am sorry for the tears you shed over me, lost in the helplessness you felt because you could not understand what was going wrong with me. I am sorry that you got saddled with me as your child, I never wanted you to be hurt in this way. I am sorry for causing you to lose face in front of all your friends. Dear dad, I am sorry for being the child that breaks your heart and causes you sleepless nights. I am sorry for being the cause of our financial crisis. I am sorry for being the BURDEN that you have to carry on your BACK.

To my brother: your care and concern is quiet but demonstrative when the occasion arises. You are my younger but in so many ways you are my elder. You are not as great in wits as I am but you are wise for your years. More than siblings, we are like friends. You are the only person who makes me laugh without trying. Long ago we were each others confidante but now we've come to a stage where we keep parts of our selves private. You are blessed with REAL and TRUE friends, people I lack in my life. I pray you never lose them. Often we butt heads over the smallest things but you are always the first to offer the olive branch. Do not be jealous of me, dear brother. The things that I have are transient. The things you have will be for eternity. It is finally your time to shine. Mine is a star that has faded into oblivion. Shine brightly, my brother. Do not lose yourself out there.

I have never been a very good example of an elder to you. Do not follow in my steps. In many ways, you differ from me. You are more timid and unwilling to try new things. Remain like that. It will serve you well. You are a fighter, but keep your temper in check.

Little brother, I am sorry for not always being there when you needed me. I am sorry for all the SELFISHNESS that I have shown. I am sorry for the GREED in me that steals what belongs to you. I am sorry for the JEALOUSY I felt towards you. But most of all, I am sorry that you had to have me as your sister. If you had a better role model, your life would have been better and less confusing for you. I am sorry that you had to have such an UGLY PATHETIC person as your sister, I know that you wished for others to be your sister.


My life story has already been written and the ending has already been set. The things that I did to bring it to that stage have already been marked down and cannot be changed. At times I wondered if it would have been better if I had never existed. I finally came to the conclusion that it would have been better. My family would not be in such a dilemma. Thus, for me, there is nothing left to be held on to. I deluded myself over the years. I jinxed myself and caused the people around me misery and suffering. What is left over now is an empty shell of what would have been a BRIGHT and BRILLIANT personality. An insane relative that hides in the attic. An EMBARRASSMENT that must be hidden for the public's eyes. A DISGRACE that must be banished. A BLACK MARK that must be obliterated.