Depression is a state of mind...
Perhaps it's because of the food we eat, but depression actually affects the population more than imagined. But what is depression? It is a mental disturbance that is usually caused by stress and anxiety. The mind can cope with a lot of things but once it snaps...it snaps. Depression has a lot of different and varying symptoms and it affects each person differently. Furthermore, there are degrees to the severity of depression; ranging from mild clinical depression to maniac depression and bipolar disorder.
Why am I talking about depression? Well, there seems to be a history of depression in my family. Mind you, even a case of being over-stressed can be classified as mild depression. Both my parents seem to be overtly stressed out and under stimulated. Because they are older now and have not been working in a job for a very long time, they find that their time is greatly unoccupied and are therefore left to find means to keep busy.
It doesn't help matters that the economy of the family is at a RED LINE. With no one to financially support or at least help out with the expenses, both of them have trouble sleeping at night and are constantly kept awake thinking of how to sustain the family. This I believe has lead them to be over-taxed in mind and body.
My brother on the other hand has been diagnosed with clinical depression. The story goes like this...after my brother broke his arm on the eve of an important examination, he started feeling lethargic and lifeless. Added with the fact that there were things he desired but could not get at that point in time, he started feeling even more mopey than usual. Around the same time, my uncle passed away very suddenly; this left my brother with the fear of dying. We tried to calm him down and reason with him that there was nothing to fear. He confessed that he had trouble sleeping and could not seem to get enough rest and complained of a lack of appetite. Finally, his friend told him that he might be depressed and my brother decided to ask my mother to take him to see a psychiatrist.
The doctor confirmed what my brother suspected and gave his some advice. Slowly he recovered after just one session and has since not relapsed. He has also gotten some of his desires fulfilled and perhaps that is the key to his recovery, with the added help of his new found and strengthened faith.
I on the other hand, am a person who thinks a little too much into matters that are very much irrelevant. Many a times, I have been one to self-diagnose and self-medicate when things occur. However, this time, things have taken a very very bad turn and chances of fully recovery are very slim. Here's my story: I'm not made of a good sort. What I mean by this is that my character is very flawed and very selfish. I am willing to give my all for causes that do not benefit me.
So how did I develop depression? It's all because of my flawed character.
I am not an academic person. Let me clarify that I am not 'slow' nor 'mentally challenged', if I was, then whatever that had happened is at least justifiable. I am at most an average student who is well-spoken at times and well-written occasionally. So when I say that I am not an academic person, I mean that I am not a serious person. I love FUN too much to be worth a damn. I've already written about my extreme laziness and the downfall/ fall from grace it brought me and I don't feel like re-telling the story again. Suffice to say, I caused myself to be depressed.
Depression can be brought on by a lot of factors. It can be caused by some imbalance of hormones, the environment around us, it can even be self-induced. If, for example, you had to pass up an assignment but left it till the last minute, or had to meet a work deadline but could not complete it by then, you would feel stressed out and get very panicky. Usually, the feeling would pass once you find a solution to your problems.
With depression, you cannot see the solution even if it was right in front of your eyes. Depression does not strike a person over night, but rather is an accumulation of stress that stays within the person until it cannot be contained any longer. In my case, the long-history of bad decisions and irresponsibility on my part accumulated to the point that I lost focus of everything that was important to me. They say that what goes up, must come down. For me, it all came crashing down. In the course of two weeks, I lost everything; my faith, my future and myself.
That was my first and most severe bout of depression. I could not sleep, and when I finally did, I would wake up merely a few hours later feeling anxious and afraid. I could not eat. In the past, I ate very little because I had not enough money, but during that bout, even if I was hungry, I could not eat. All I could do was distract myself from thinking.
Subsequently, I recovered, not because of therapy or medication, but because of hope. It's funny how even the smallest glimmer of hope can lift a person...I had in the back of my mind a glimmer of hope that everything was not as bad as it seemed. True, it all came crashing down, but at least there was a hope of being able to repair the dreams that I broke. A chance to make it all better.
I used to believe that behind every storm, there would be a rainbow. However, I now believe that I was deluding myself. It seems that every time I recover, I fall again, only this time it's a vast hole that I've fallen into and I truly believe that I cannot get out of it. Every time I think that things will all get better, I fall even harder then before. I ask myself if it is worth me being around.
I am only a burden and a pain to my family. I cannot confide in friends when I have none. I am confused as to what to do and where to go. I have a wonderful family, but I am afraid of hurting them again. As I type this post, I am still feeling the effects of depression. It isn't as severe as the first time I went through it, but it still is crippling. However late I sleep, I would always wake up at a certain time in the morning. Food used to be pleasurable, now, whenever I eat I'm afraid of gaining weight. My mind is a mess and I always contemplate just running away from all this. But I cannot.
The bravest thing a person can do is to stand up and face their fears. I'm not a brave person. So I cannot stand up and face my fears. How does one forget their past? At this moment I cannot answer that question. I fear I never will...
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